How To Perform a Tracheotomy

By HOLLIE HARDY
The first thing you need to know is that the tracheotomy 
is an act of desperation and/or violence that should only be 
committed when there is no other option.

SOME CIRCUMSTANCES WHEN IT MIGHT BE NECESSARY TO PERFORM A TRACHEOTOMY:


The victim is choking on a thin mint
and is unresponsive to the “hind-lick” maneuver.
The victim is your lover and he/she has disappointed you
by eating the last Girl Scout cookie.
The victim wrote “Bitch” on the side of your car with a sharpie.
The victim has an irritating, high-pitched voice or a British accent.
The victim is a stranger that fell in front of a bus
wearing shoes you could never afford.

WHAT YOU WILL NEED:

A razor blade, knife, scissors, or hammer
A straw, a pen, or a stale Red Vine®

There will not be time for sterilization of your tools,
so do not bother; infection is the least of your worries.

HOW TO PROCEED:

1. Kneel over the victim and whisper,
  Do you know what you’ve done to deserve this?

2. Move your finger about one inch down the neck
until you feel a bulge.

3. Seize the tool of your choosing, and grasp it with both hands,
high above your head.

4. Aim for the bulge and be brave.

5. Insert the breathing straw into the bloody hole.

6. If you have done the procedure correctly,
you should be able to remove the victim’s shoes.

7. Run away.

 

Hollie Hardy is an MFA poet at San Francisco State University, former Editor-in-Chief of Fourteen HIlls: The SFSU Review, and co-host of the monthly reading series Saturday Night Special, an East Bay Open Mic, in Berkeley, California. Her recent work is published in Eleven Eleven, sParkle & bLINK, A Sharp Piece of Awesome, Parthenon West Review, One Ded Cow, Transfer, Milvia Street, and other journals. Hardy’s Survival Poems have titles ruthlessly appropriated from The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook.

[Purchase your copy of Issue 02 here.]

From the beginning, The Common has brought you transportive writing and exciting new voices. We are committed to supporting writers and maintaining free, unrestricted access to our website, but we can’t do it without you. Become an integral part of our global community of readers and writers by donating today. No amount is too small. Thank you!

How To Perform a Tracheotomy

Related Posts

Hitting a Wall and Making a Door: A Conversation between Phillis Levin and Diane Mehta

DIANE MEHTA and PHILLIS LEVIN
This conversation took place over the course of weeks—over daily phone calls and long emails, meals when they were in the same place, and a weekend in the Connecticut countryside. The poets share what they draw from each other’s work, and the work of others, exploring the pleasures of language, geometric movement, and formal constraint.

Anna Malihot and Olena Jenning's headshots

August 2025 Poetry Feature: Anna Malihon, translated by Olena Jennings

ANNA MALIHON
The girl with a bullet in her stomach / runs across the highway to the forest / runs without saying goodbye / through the news, the noble mold of lofty speeches / through history, geography, / curfew, a day, a century / She is so young that the wind carries / her over the long boulevard between bridges

Image of a tomato seedling

Talks with the Besieged: Documentary Poetry from Occupied Ukraine  

ALEX AVERBUCH
Russians are already in Starobilsk / what nonsense / Dmytrovka and Zhukivka – who is there? / half a hundred bears went past in the / direction of Oleksiivka / write more clearly / what’s the situation in Novoaidar? / the bridge by café Natalie got blown up / according to unconfirmed reports